I don’t know if I would call it depression, but over the past few months I have had increasing periods of hopelessness and despair. Ok, maybe it is some mild depression. They seem to mostly occur when I start thinking about money, or the lack there-of. Usually that’s about half way through the month too, because that’s when I’ve (hopefully) paid all the bills, and never seem to have any money left. I try to plan out how to make it through the rest of the month, and it always ends up being, “Well if this and this happen, then everything will be ok.” It doesn’t always happen exactly like I plan it, but it does always turn out ok…. I think.
Anyway, to make matters worse, thinking about not having money usually leads me into thinking about how much debt I have. For some people it probably wouldn’t seem like much, but for me it seems like a mountain that I’ll never be able to make it over. I even went through Dave Ramsey’s “Financial Peace University” these past few months, and while I totally agree to his way of doing things, it seems I never can get it quite right, and because of that I’ll always be stuck where I am now. I guess if any one word was to sum up exactly how I feel it would be that one, “Stuck.”
I keep hoping something will happen that will give me the jump start I need to get out of this mess, or maybe someone would come along and give me help, but every month I find myself in the same place. It’s enough to drive someone mad… and I’m afraid it’s starting to. I’ve never been down like this before now. I’ve never felt things as strongly as I have over the past few months (hopelessness, anger, you know, all the bad emotions). I still don’t show them much, but about halfway through the month they show up.
I also know that God can help me get through this, and I probably haven’t been relying on him like I should, but as most people know, that’s always harder to do than it is to say. It’s easy to know things CAN get better, but it’s a different story to believe that things WILL get better. When I start feeling down like this, I stop believing. If it wasn’t for my wonderful Fiance, I probably would have given up by now. Even so, something’s got to change. I can’t keep living like this. I know I have got to start relying on God more, but even more than that I think it might be time for other changes. What those changes are, though, I’m not too sure. Maybe I need to find ways to make more money, or maybe just cut out many things and spend less. With that I think I’m also going to have to stop being quite so nice all the time. I’m going to have to stand up, and stop holding everything in. Start expressing my opinions, my skills and being who God wants me to be. I can’t live hopelessly.